"so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

xo.

19th January 2014

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King of the jungle

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King of the jungle

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26th May 2012

Post

escape.

you know every once in a while you need to be able to escape. to get away from the people who hurt you, from the drama going on, from all the shit that you can’t put up with anymore. if you can’t escape for a little while sometimes and just get away from all of it then eventually you will break.

like this weekend i was able to escape to a beach house and just get away from all the things that were upsetting me back home. it feels good to be away, to not have to worry about other people or what is going on.

without a type of escape in your life, it may be hard to live everyday. even if that escape is sitting in bed blasting your music, or laying in the sun reading a book, or taking a long hot shower. something that can help you get your mind off all the things in life that make you unhappy. 

i know that if i didn’t have my little escapes in life that it would be very hard for me to cope with everything going on in life, and i don’t know if i could actually do it.

so, find yourself an escape. something to take you to another world, so for at least a little while you wont have to worry about everything in real life. you can forget about everything going on for a little, and just take some time to breathe. trust me it will help. promise.

until next time.

xo.

9th May 2012

Post

its not so bad.

in my mind, its not so bad being alone. i don’t mind going shopping by myself, or going to get a coffee by myself, going for a long walk, or driving around alone for a while. it feels nice to be alone sometimes to be away from everyone and not have to deal with everyone’s drama. i almost prefer to spend my time alone. it gives me time to think about things, and time to reflect on things that i would normally not be able to think about when i’m with other people. i like to be alone, and spend time by myself. but that doesn’t mean that i’m lonely. wanting to be alone and being lonely are two different things. when you’re lonely you feel as though no one is there for you, but being alone can be someone’s choice, it simply means that you don’t have the company of others at that time. i like to spend most of my time alone just because i need time to sit and reflect on everything going on, sort through my thoughts, and really think about things.

being alone is nice.

xo.

8th May 2012

Post with 3 notes

him.

i know you’re looking over at me judging, laughing at me. when did it all change? when did the boy who cared about me, who was my world suddenly turn into a stranger that i didn’t know. into the boy who as sitting there laughing at me as i fall? you use to be the boy who would meet my eyes when i stood up with care and concern in them, but just now in those eyes i saw hatred and joy to think it was funny that i just fell. sitting across the room laughing to yourself as i make a fool out of myself.  what happened to the boy that got a grin on his face when i walked into the room, what happened to the boy that was my best friend?

the answer is simple. that boy isn’t there anymore. instead he is replaced with a stranger that none of his old friends recognize. now the boy that stands before me is judgmental and no longer has time in his day for people like me. when i got up i wanted to cry, not because i just fell and i was embarrassed, but because when i saw those eyes looking over at me i saw new things; i saw your pleasure in my pain, i saw the joy and laughter running through your veins as your old best friend fell. i saw so many new things that i didn’t recognize. but i saw things that i recognized as well. i saw those brown eyes looking at me, the little stubble that grew on your face, i saw the lost feeling in your eyes that no one would see unless they knew you. but the one thing that i didn’t see was you. i didn’t see the boy that use to be there. i instead saw a stranger.

and that broke my heart.

xo.

Tagged: himwhy did you changewallflowerdesperationfriendshipbroken heart

8th May 2012

Post

stop the bull.

i feel like today, everyone was tip toeing around my feelings for some reason. i don’t know why, but it makes me so mad, it makes me feel like people think i’m unstable and need to watch what they say to me so i don’t go off the deep end or something. HELLLLLLO! i have anxiety, i’m not an unstable physco patient. there is no reason for you to be treating me like this, i don’r deserve it, and honestly its making me feel more insecure about myself than i already do because of this anxiety. a lot of people suffer from the same exact thing i do. i regret telling my best friend, or anyone for that matter because i feel like people’s idea about me has changed, and i hate it. i feel like they all have a faltered image of me in their head now, its the worst feeling in the world knowing that people think differently of you because of something that you can’t control. it makes me want to get as far away from here as i can.  i want to get away from all these people that sit there and judge me with their eyes, thinking things about me that they never use to think before. i want to go somewhere and get a fresh start, see the faces of strangers and the looks their giving me and know that they are not judging me because of things that i can’t control. i don’t know maybe i am over thinking this and all these things are happening in my head, but i feel a feeling in my gut that things aren’t just that simple.

Tagged: insecrureinsecuritiesanxietyfeelingswallflower

7th May 2012

Post

it goes on.

the thing with life is you are always going to get hurt. you’re going to get your heart broken, and feel like nothing will ever get better, you’re going to get lied to, you’re going to be disappointed or crushed. you will have those nights in your room were you can’t do anything but cry for hours on end. you will suffer from losses your whole life, people will always leave you whether they choose to or not, and it will leave you feeling broken, scared, like nothing will ever get better. countless things in life will leave you feeling hurt and broken. that’s just the way things are.

but, you will also have the moments when you heal. those are the moments in life to focus on. whether its the first time you smile after being broken, or the moment when you finally stop crying and just take a second to breathe. when you realize that you need to keep moving, keep pushing forward, because life will always try to push you down. but you need to be strong enough to fight back and show the world that you can live.

the moments when you heal. those are the moments in time that are the best. when you really start to feel alive again, and life just kind of restarts for you. 

these moments are your strongest times in life, when you find the will to fight back and say “im okay, i can do this”.

one saying that you must remember when you feel like this moment will never come for you, and you feel hopeless in life, broken and scared. all you need to remember is three little words;

it goes on.

xo.

Tagged: it goes on scarde broken life support advice things will get better wallflower

7th May 2012

Quote

dedication takes a lifetime; but dreams only last for a night.
— unknown

7th May 2012

Quote

be yourself. don’t try and be me, because in the end i’m not all that great.

7th May 2012

Post with 2 notes

false hope.

In my opinion one of the worst feelings in the world is when someone gets your hopes up for something that will never happen. when someone tells you, promises you things will get better, but in the end they never go. false hope is the worst, and anyone who has ever had this happen to them knows that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when what you were told never happens. that feeling of disappointment that you almost knew would come, but you tried to tell yourself that things you would work out, that everything will be okay. yeah you know what i mean.

He keeps giving me those feelings over and over again. but for some stupid reason i keep believing him every time. maybe its because i miss my friend so much, i miss having my rock to rely on, i miss those big brown eyes that would look down into mine, i miss that unique laugh that i could identify anywhere, and i would do anything at this point to get all those things back, and get him back. even if it means that i’m always hurt.

One thing i don’t understand is why you keep stringing me along, telling people that me and you would be back to normal by summer time, that i would have my best friend back by summer time and i would barely be able to remember what life was like without you in it. why would you answer my text with an answer that left me so hopeful that you loved me still. why would you sit there and talk to my best friend about me and what to do about our broken friendship, that i pray every night will get fixed.  WHY?

whats the point if you’re never going to do anything. is it funny to you to get my hopes up over and over or something? because you’re doing a damn good job at breaking my heart because of it.

i don’t understand how you could hurt someone so bad, someone who has been with you through thick and thin, someone who would give up the world for you, someone you cared so much about, someone who was your world, someone you use to love SO much. 

false hope is by far one of the worst feelings someone could ever experience.

xo.

Tagged: false hope feelings wallflower

5th May 2012

Post

may 4th.

hello hopefuls, this post is so late but thats okay, today i just didnt have the motivation to do much, so getting on the computer and typing something just seemed like so much work and it made me tired just thinking about it. today i decided to dedicate a lot of my day (once again) to one direction. these boys have become the new loves of my life, they are all so cute and dedicated to what they are doing. i have to say that my obsession with them especially harry and louis is kinda bad, they are all just so cute i cant get enough of them. i just watched the videos of them drunk after the brit awards and it was the CUTEST thing i have ever seen, it made me laugh so hard. but anyways, im anxious for my TOMS to come in, i just ordered them yesterday so im not expecting them to come for a couple more days but im just so excited for them to get here! i feel like my style has been slowly changing. all ive wanted to wear lately is my converse and a tshirt with my beanie. its so comfortable to what i usually wear with blouses and all done up, and honestly i love not really caring what i look like, and just wearing something that i feel comfortable in, and i havent been wearing a lot of make up either and i love how clean and fresh my face feels its so nice, and i realize that my acne is getting better too, well that might be because im using proactive as well, but i think the not wearing as much makeup makes a big difference in it as well.

today i had an appointment with some therapist at some crappy place that i didnt want to be at. my mom wanted me to go because of my anxiety but when i was there they made me feel like i was a fuck up and i was a psycho and there was no need for me to be treated like that.. all i have is anxiety i dont really see the need in my having to go see a therapist i hate having to talk about my feelings, even though when i get older i want to go into psychology and do for people  what i hate doing myself. i hate having to talk about my feelings, i feel like that is my own business and if i want to talk about it ill talk about it with someone i want to and that is usually never, so trying to make me go to a therapist and talk about my feelings made me want to cry i hated it and it gave me even more anxiety. so that seems  to me to be counter productive.

xo.

3rd May 2012

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may 3rd.

im going to try school tomorrow. i dont know how well thats going to go, but im only going for a couple of hours because i have a doctors appointment at 12:30. im scared, i dont want to but i cant keep avoiding it. for the past almost 3 weeks ive spent 90% of my time in bed and i dont want to leave. just now i was on facebook and i saw that one of my closest friends has a “thing” with the kid that use to be my best friend and was my first love..she doesnt know because i dont like to talk about him at all because it was so long ago but it hurts me so bad. i just want to stay in bed for the rest of the night and never get out of it. it seems like im the only person in this world who cant find someone to make them happy. ive been watching movies and reading books and stories that keep reminding me that im alone and its the worst. i just want to be able to hold someones hand and have them like me for me, and not talk to me just so they can get in my pants. ugh.

xo.

2nd May 2012

Post

may 2nd.

another boring day in the life of a wallflower today. i still haven’t gotten up the courage to go to school yet, i just get so overwhelmed and start to panic everytime i think about it. Today is has been two weeks and 3 days since i set foot in that building. im beginning to miss a couple little things, but surprisingly enough i am not missing any of my friends, and im scared because of that. whats going on with me? usually i am a social butterfly and all i care about it seeing my friends and being with my friends, and lately i havent given a crap about them. I think i havent sent out more than 20 texts in these past couple of weeks just because i dont feel like talking to anyone, except for the occasional few that i want to answer. I just dont want to have to explain myself, explain to people that i havent been in school because ive been having anxiety attacks, i dont want to see the face people make at me when they judge me for being out for so long, for a reason that they wont understand. its non of their buisness and they shouldnt be judging me. i hate that about people, how judgmental they are. but ill get into that in another post. im just so sick of sitting around this house in my bed, i want to go out and do things, but there is nothing to do. i wish that i could go and sit in a classroom and then maybe go out for a coffee by myself, go for a walk around the park, and then maybe meet someone for dinner, go home and get in bed and fall asleep. that sounds amazing to me, but living where i do with the people that surround me, thats just not possible. people in my area suck and where i live sucks in general. i hate it, i want to get out,and get out now. When i mean get out i dont just mean go to another tow, or move to the city. i want to move to london and get the hell out of this dump that i live in.

sorry for the rant.

xo.